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Today, in Chem, I was chosen to hold the fire extinguisher just in case something happened while showing how to blow up a dangerous chemical. My teacher told me to spray if anything got out of control. He lit the fire and I freaked out and sprayed it. The entire wing of my school was evacuted. FML
今天化学课上，做一个危险化学物质的爆炸试验，老师让我擎着灭火器以防万一。老紧张了我，内老师刚打着火正准备点呢，我一得瑟，直接喷了，结果整个教学楼学生都被紧急疏散了。FML
今天在金凤呈祥里面买了些鲜奶泡芙，走在路上很饿，拿起一个就吃。朋友说，你小心点，不然.....她回头看我的时候，我的嘴边上、脸上、手上全都是奶油。我忘记里面还有奶油了。我们谁也没带纸巾，然后街边上的人都捂着嘴从我们身边过去。朋友离开我一米远，很绝情的说——在你没处理好之前，我暂时先不认识你。
Today, I realized I forgot to write a 5000 word essay for my English class. I tried to be calm since I had until midnight to finish, and it was only 8pm. I typed for three hours straight,and finished the assignment. I read over the instruction again, and realized it only had to be 500 words. FML
今天，忽然想起还有篇5000字的英语作业没有写，我很淡定的熬了个通宵，完成后我一看作业要求，其实是500字的。FML
Today, I fell asleep in my last period class. When I woke up my teacher said"you missed your bus". I grabbed all my stuff and ran out the room. My class mates were standing outside the class laughing. We still had an hour left in class. FML
今天，最后一堂课我终于没顶住，睡过去了。当我起来的时候发现班主任在旁边很淡定的说“小子，你马上就要错过班车了”。我当时虎躯××，抓起所有的东西就冲了出去。结果在门口看到全班同学在那里爆笑。里下课还有一个小时。FML
我堂妹今年上大一，今天，我带着他去潘家园配眼镜。店员给拿了一副框架，我说这个不适合她，她是圆脸，拿那个试试吧，随即店员取出来递给我堂妹，说：你妈说你带这个合适那你就试试吧。我顿时无语，转身离去，flm！另：我比我堂妹大五岁，我1米73，我堂妹1米55.
Today, my co-worker came back from Thailand with big new breasts. She told me to go ahead and touch them because they have a funny texture for the first few months. When our GM entered the room, I had both hands down my co-worker’s shirt, agreeing that they were unnaturally firm. FML
今天，我们单位一个大妞从泰国回来，带着两颗硅胶填充的大木瓜。她告诉我这玩意刚隆完手感很奇特，就让我摸两下。于是，当经理进来的时候他看到我两手伸到大妞T恤里头，还口中念念有词的说“还真有弹性的咧”。FML
Today, I was on a 12 hour trans-Atlantic flight overseas. I asked the flight attendant where this rancid smell was coming from. The guy sitting next to me started laughing, saying,"Sorry, something I ate is not agreeing with me." This was hour 1 of the flight. FML
今天，我在一架12小时的长途航班上，忽然闻到一股腐烂加馊饭的味，我就很牛逼的把服务员叫过来问“咋回事捏？为森么捏？”。这时候坐我旁边那个哥们搭话了“不好意思，我闹肚子呢”。刚起飞一个小时。FML
Today, my girlfriend of 3 years told me that I was part of an experiment for her Sociology doctorate. I also learned that the notebooks she’s been writing in for the past three years aren’t for her"doctorate in literature" as she had told me, they were notes on my behavior for the past 3 years. FML
今天，谈了三年的女朋友告诉我，跟我拍拖是她社会学博士论文的一部分。而她每次约会时总在那里记录的笔记本，不是她所说的“文学素材”，而是我的行为记录。FML
Today, I was walking with my very attractive friend who I like a lot. She then told me that her roomate wouldn’t be home tonight, and if I wanted, I could come over and study history. I didn’t get it. I told her no thanks, that I was covered, and it was chem I needed to study. An hour later, I understood. FML
今天，跟一个一直暗恋的大美妞散步，她忽然很销魂的跟我说她舍友晚上不在，问我要不要去她宿舍学历史。我当时想都没想就拒绝了，因为我历史老牛逼了，化学是真的不行。一个小时候我终于搞明白了。FML
Today, I parked in front of a grocery store and took the portable GPS system off the mount on the dashboard and put it in my pocket so no one would break into my car and steal it. When I got back, the window was smashed and someone had stolen the plastic mount. FML
今天，我下车的时候留了个心眼，把GPS揣兜里了，免得被人砸玻璃偷走。买完东西回来发现车窗还是被人砸了，有个SB把GPS的支架偷走了。FML
Today, at dinner with my boyfriend and my family, my mother had too much to drink and asked my boyfriend how I was in bed with the purpose of embarrassing me. His reply?"Not as good as her sister." His defense?"It was only one time." FML
今天，BF来我家吃饭，把我妈灌多了，她问BF“我女儿在床上表现怎么样啊？”（为了刺激我）。结果我家那个傻老爷们回答“赶不上她姐姐”，发现一阵杀气后他又解释到“只有一次”。FML
Today, I was with my seven year old daughter purchasing my husband a present for his birthday in a few weeks. At the register, in the very long line, I asked her where we could hide his present so he wouldn’t find it, she responded loudly with"Hide it in your room! He never goes in there!" FML
今天，领着7岁的女儿为他爸挑选生日礼物，排队的时候我问她：你说藏哪里好呢。她很大声的回答“藏你卧室里吧，他从来不去”。FML
Today, I was messaged by a great guy I went to college with, and he was telling me how stupid he had been for not asking me out in college and about how much he had liked me. After talking for 30 minutes about trying to get together soon, he told me that he had mistaken me for someone else. FML
今天，我正跟一个大帅锅聊天，他跟我说在大学期间没有约我出去真是太傻了，太后悔了。我心里一阵狂喜，在聊了大概30分钟后，他又说他好像把我跟其他人搞混了。FML
前些天去健身房健身，发现门口的接待MM换了个美女，边拿健身卡边盯着美女看。两个小时以后，我健身结束时，美女很不好意思的和我说：“先生，对不起，您把您的银行卡给我了。”FML
今天,我朋友为了参加她阿姨的葬礼就提前下班了,并顺便开车送我一程,一路上我思索着如何去安慰她,结果在临下车前,我对她说,玩开心点…FML!
Today, I was taking my morning pills. There had been a lot of fruit flies in my house lately. I grabbed a cup of water beside to sink to wash the pills down. As soon as I tasted the drink, I realized it was vinegar and dish soap used to trap the flies. I washed my pills down with dead flies. FML
今天，早上我正在吃药。我随手拿了水池旁边的一杯水来吃药。喝到嘴里的时候，我想起来是这是我用来诱捕苍蝇的洗洁精和醋——最近家里有很多苍蝇。我连着药和死苍蝇一起喝下去了。FML |
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